100 days of fatherhood
I’ve been a Dad for 100 days. So i’ve written down 50 things I’ve learned. It should probably be 100 things… but I’ve been busy and time management is a challenge :). I’m not going to send it to anyone - cos I think they should discover their own path and it’s a wonderful journey. But for posterity… here it is:
Take everything with a pinch of salt. Seriously open social media and someone will tell you how you are meant to be doing it. Fuck them!! You do it your way.
Pregnant women sleep earlier and earlier as the baby grows. Drink whisky and read books in the evening.
All your friends will try and clear out their sheds. The real ones won’t try and charge you.
Buy everything second hand - the depreciation is huge. We bartered for everything using bottles given to me as tips at weddings
You don’t know anyone’s personal journey with babies. Treat everyone with kid gloves and don’t judge how they react to your change in life.
New friends will appear from nowhere
Old friends will dissolve into the ether
White noise is king
Monochrome patterns are king
Rockabye baby provides listenable baby music(Thanks Marie)
Baby poo doesn’t smell bad during the first 100 days. Like a slightly sharp yoghurt
Baby sick only smells if it comes from formula
Babies look worried when they’ve farted but proud when they’ve jobbied
Baby burps can be louder than adult burps, yet they show very little pride in them
It’s amazing how much you can do on so little sleep
It’s amazing how much sleep you can get. Basically your sleep is all over the place and random.
It’s amazing how productive you can be at your desk when you don’t know when you’ll next get the chance.
A baby smiling at you cures all ills
As soon as you think you have the hang of parenthood, the bundle of joy moves the goalposts
You’ve loads of time to watch TV, but the concentration of a drummer after two cans of red bull, so you have to watch very low level things with little to no flashbacks.
Gussett poppers on baby clothes are the devil
I have sang “Three Craws” so many times that there are now 10 craws who exist in a complicated co-dependent narrative. I have imagined an animated short film which accompanies the song.
Babies will look at a selfie camera and it provides hours of entertainment
Both parents using both hands to eat will recommence in 2030
A baby can take 5mls of medicine. Smile and laugh at you, and then dribble 6mls of medicine down their chin
Babies hands have a mind of their own. They will cry for a bottle and then push the bottle out of their own mouth
Anything after 9pm is now “late into the night”. the new series of Derry Girls has started and we watch it on a Tuesday because it’s not on till 9pm on the Monday.
I diddle a baby at 7am every morning and watch the sun rise over sea and mountains. There’s nothing finer.
Cobbles provide a great vibration for sending babies to sleep in a pram
Libravox has free audiobooks for long early morning pram walks
She watches big heads on the television - the news and game shows are her favourite
Its very cute when she talks to photos of us. Our skinny selves from a past life.
Having a full cup of hot coffee is a distant memory
Nappies are much cheaper in Aldi
Tik Tak is a great Belgian telly programme on iPlayer
All baby paraphernalia should be tested for whether it can be opened with one hand
Babies can circumvent any automated system for entertaining them.
They far prefer to be held using the last of whichever muscle hurts the most.
The majority of my time has been spent making things hot to sterilise them and then cooling them down to make them safe for use. Quick! Heat that thing up and then cool it down as fast as you can.
Nursing tops are mobius strips which cannot be hung out to dry
Sleep schedule is king - Gina Ford for President
A babies favourite foods are the messiest ones
Kiri & Lou is a great New Zealand telly programme on iPlayer from the people that brought you Flight of the Concordes.
Why aren’t people using discarded porridge as cement?
Dried Soreen and dried jobbies look very similar on clothes when you go out at night
Having struggled to dress myself appropriately for my entire life, I now have to endeavour to not embarrass my daughter too much when she looks back on photos of fashion disasters put together in the dark, on a lack of sleep with one hand
It is incredibly hard to black out a room.
It is incredibly annoying blacking out a room with a good view
all your clothes have sick, poo, spit, dribble or food on them
Start to take spare clothes for not just the wean, but also you